The Girl She Was

There was a time.
There was a time when she was naive, had not known true heartache, had not been tarnished.
She smiled endlessly, laughed often, was playful.
It must have been apparent that this girl felt good. She felt good about her future.
She thought she understood how this world worked.
She believed in fairy tales.
And damn. This girl was cute. She was cute, fit, and she knew it.
It was not uncommon for her to turn heads when she walked in the room.
Not because she was loud. She just had a positive presence.
She had the world in the palm of her hands.
                                     

That girl then saw heartache. 

She was shown that men will use, hurt, and lie. 

She learned that the real world wasn't cut-and-dry as she had always believed. 

She was shown the darkness that she didn't know existed in people.

She learned that just because you want something, doesn't mean you will get it.

Nothing was really as she believed it was.

This girl was lied to. Cheated on. Abandoned.

She had a couple of babies to care for.

She gave up all that was for her.

She lost her happiness.

She lost her confidence.

She lost hope.

She lost her figure.

She lost her faith in humanity.

She learned to hate men.

She learned to trust no one.

When this girl had finally felt like she DID have things figured out, there he was.
Someone who was genuine. Honest. Cared.
He made her feel like the most gorgeous, smart, fun person in the whole entire world and did it effortlessly.
She could be her goofy self and he loved it
Her hope was back.
Her trust was back.
Her confidence wavered but with him by her side, she felt so much stronger.
They married.

Things change. 

Hard times come.

She and he grow.

She and he have scars.

Issues sneak up from the past.

She wants to feel like the most gorgeous, smart, fun person in the whole world to HIM.

He wants the whole world to admire him.

She wants him to be hers completely.

He wants his freedom.

Things change.

She sits here lost. Confused. 

She wonders what is to come. 

How can she get the hope he made her feel?

How can she get the confidence without his help?

How can she know what is true and real when things are so different?

She wants nothing more than to go back in time. 

She wants to go back to the girl she was. 

She wants to go back to the girl she was with the man she loves today.

My God!

I am going to do something that I have been scared to do with all but a very few close friends. I am going to talk about my religious/spiritual confusions. I have been terrified to do this for several reasons. One of those reasons, the BIG reason, is that I am scared of the backlash I may receive from my religious friends. But, also, there are the reasons such as fear of sounding like I am weak in my faith, having to admit that I don't KNOW, and having to share other things I believe that don't quite fit in "the box" when it comes to Christianity. All I ask is that my readers be kind with their responses. I trust that most of you will. But, if you have nothing nice to say to me- Please, just keep it to yourself. Your criticisms will do no good here. I'd love if someone would be able to kindly discuss and clear some stuff up for me.

I am a Christian. Well, mostly. I think I could still be classified as a Christian.

I believe in my Father, God, and his creation of all human beings, animals, plants, along with all of the good and beautiful things in this world - No. I believe in His creation of all the good and beautiful things in this UNIVERSE. My father loves us. He loves us so very much that our human pea-brains cannot comprehend this type of love. Probably the closest we can get is the strong love of our beautiful children, which is strong but still pales in comparison.
I believe that God sent us part of Himself. A son. Jesus Christ. Who lived a perfect life in this fallen world that is heavily influenced by evil. He allowed Jesus to suffer and then allowed him to die to prove the strength of His love for us. God...our creator suffered in this world for us. He gave of Himself to show us how we should strive to live. He suffered to show us His power in healing. He put up with the evils of this world to show us how to love others....especially the ones who are of questionable character. Then He died in such a gruesome way to show that even in suffering, He is committed to us. Wow! I tear up just thinking of how powerful and strong that love is. Then to top it all off, He came back to life to prove that our time on Earth is only a chapter of our life.

Here is where things get fuzzy.....

I can admit that I could be wrong. There are so many other religions in this world that have members who believe in their religions as strongly as Christians believe in Christianity. Dare I say....some believe more strongly than what some Christians believe. So.....if my religion is the right one, that means theirs, which differs sometimes just a little and other times quite a bit- is completely wrong? The Jews, who are God's people, don't think the Son of God has even come yet. Is it possible that they know what they are talking about? Is it possible that my belief in Jesus is wrong and that all my hopes are put into a Saint but not the real savior?
It is possible.
Maybe.
Perhaps.

Oh! Wait! As long as I go by what the Bible says, I should know what is right. Right? Despite the fact that the Bible was written by faulted men, who wrote the words that they claim God gave them- it should all be taken as complete fact. Is there room for misinterpretation? Um.....but, what about people, who in our current time, swear that God talks to them? You know....the ones who are automatically counted off as crazy? What was the huge difference between people of those days and people now?
- I know I am stepping on toes here.-
What if parts of the Bible are wrong? What if a lot of the Bible is wrong? What if.....
The angry God of the Old Testament is still angry now and that is why we have been having all the wars and problems with huge tornados and hurricanes? What if the loving, forgiving God of the New Testament was just as loving in the B.C. years? What if God is NOT going to banish people to Hell just because they never had the chance to hear of Jesus?
"Sorry for your luck, Chuck. You were born into an African tribe who has no access to God's word. I hope you like the heat!"
What if God just wants us to live a good loving life, learn lessons through hardships, trust in him while building a relationship with him, and then come back to our eternal home to live with him? I am not saying this is the case. I am saying, "What if..."


What if some other religions may be on to something with some of their beliefs. For example:

The Hindu religion believes in reincarnation. I don't think that we would come back as a weed or a kangaroo but I think there is the chance that we are given a chance to live a new life to learn lessons that we hadn't learned in a past life or maybe to help a loved one through life.
I don't know how many people have experienced any of the following, but I can tell you what I have seen or heard of. I have seen brand spanking new babies that possess a certain maturity. These infants come out of the womb with a sense of, " I've done this before."
Another example is the time my oldest son, at the age of 4 stated, " I miss that blue car I use to drive. Do you remember my blue car? I liked it." And, of course.....there are those people I have met for the very first time and have somehow KNOWN them. There are people at first meeting that I just don't like and I don't know why. Then there have been the people I have met who I have an instant friendship and love for- and perhaps feel like I have always known them. Is there something to that?

I know there is no room for that stuff in Christianity.

That is the problem.

I know that there is not room for most of the stuff I have written here in Christianity. I guess it is an all or none type of thing. If you are going to be a Christian, you can't pick and chose what from the BIble makes sense to you. We all know that Christians are known to be very judgmental. It is scary to be in the position I am in. I belong to a wonderful Baptist church with an amazing ministry staff. I love and respect the religion. I love and respect so many of the people I go to church with or Christians who have helped guide me. But, I have this debilitating fear that I will be shunned or attacked because I am confused about all of this, because my beliefs pour out into other areas, and because I have difficulty believing that my Father would create people and then not give them a fair shot to make it to eternal life with Him.

All I know is that I FEEL that Christianity has a lot of stuff right. My soul sings and leaps and weeps at the wonders of God and His amazing son, Jesus. I feel that if we did our best to live an honest, giving, loving life like Jesus did, then we are living the right way. But just because I follow Christianity doesn't mean I can judge the other religions - because obviously what they follow is what they feel is right for them. I can share what I feel and hope that what feeds my soul can feed someone else's soul. But, there is that small voice in me that says that if God was REALLY going to judge our worthiness of everlasting life solely on what religion we follow, he would find a way to make it obvious and accessible to ALL of us.

The Facebook Fast

     Sunday morning, my main squeeze, Shane came up with a brilliant idea while we were traveling (or lack there of) down Interstate 75 through Dallas. He suggested a "fast" or break from social networking. The argument was pretty much that if we aren't distracted by that, we can concentrate on the things that are more important to us (reading, writing, art, exercise, kids, and such). While I felt nervous about the idea, I could see it's benefits. Right then and there, Shane and I deleted the Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest apps off of our phones. My nerves got crazy because,"What if I miss something?"
     Since Sunday, I have been staying off of social network sites. Sunday and Monday were very difficult to get through. I struggled through Sunday because I had a friend in the hospital with a really bad break in her arm and I felt I was missing updates. Monday was difficult because my sister-in-law and brother-in-law live in Oklahoma and I was extremely worried about them being in the mix of the storms. I took some amazing sunset pictures that I couldn't post on Instagram..."Whaaaaahhhh!" And to top it all off...what is a girl to do when she doesn't know what Person A is eating for dinner,  how crappy Person F feels that day, or what Person V's daily schedule consisted of?! I was FORCED to call and text people to check on them and ended up enjoying it.You see.....I use Facebook and Instagram as a crutch. I don't have to talk to anyone on the phone, yet  I can feel like I have been involved with people if I "like" their stuff. It has the added bonus of curing  my feeling of boredom-  I check it in the morning before I get out of bed, I check it while waiting to get into the bathroom to put on my makeup, then when I get to work, then once an hour at work(maybe more if I see notifications), while waiting in line at the grocery store, while my kids are telling me about their day, while sitting outside with my husband spending "quality time" together, while cooking, while waiting for my shower water to heat up, while laying in bed at night.....ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME. To be frank, it is MORE than ridiculous how often I check FB and Instagram during the day.It has pretty much caused me to have A.D.D.


After itching through the first 2 days, clarity finally hit me on Tuesday.

I started feeling really good about this decision. My husband and kids are and will continue to get more of me because I am not splitting my attention. My friends and family will get more personalized attention. My tasks at work will be done more quickly. I will know what is going on around me. I will shorten my to-do list at home.  I started thinking of things I will have time for that I didn't think I had. I was also feeling really good about my husband being less distracted. It was exciting. We were going to be crazy productive and will have the chance to perfect our hobbies.

     Then, late morning on Tuesday, I got a text from my husband, "I'm about to fall off the FB wagon..."
He did it. He caved. He is a man and we know men are weak and all......so.... I guess I should have expected it.
-I love you, Babe. I am half kidding there.-
     So we texted back and forth about our thoughts on the use of FB.
He had some good points about it. He encouraged me to try to just use it in moderation instead of completely cutting it out, which a great idea in theory.
But....
     I can't. Not now. I, at this point, do not understand moderation when it comes to spending time on FB.
I explained to him that Facebook was evil in some ways because it messes up relationships. While it is made to encourage relationships by easily being able to keep up with people. It has become this thing that keeps us just close enough to say we know the person but not close enough to keep a real personal relationship. Reading my friends' status updates every day doesn't mean that I KNOW what is going on in their lives or CARE how they feel. I realized that the people who I consider my closest friends and family were finding stuff out about my life ONLY through FB- which means it is only a small portion of the story. Then there is the fact that  I am a jealous girl sometimes.....so FB has caused spats between me and my husband. It is not what it could be in my life. I could be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, cousin, and friend. I could be a better me. I can do things that I once loved but haven't felt I have time for. I can enrich my mind, body, and soul with things better than status updates.
     I am going to do this. I am going to see how long I can do without. I decided to get on for today and let my loved ones know that I will not be on Facebook to answer them or respond to their life events. Instead, I will be an email, text, letter, or phone call away.
With love-
C

Due Date

I didn't want today to go by without me saying something. So, here it is....
I'm okay. Despite the fact that I am a little bit sad that today was suppose to be meaningful and happy but is instead empty and just like any other day.... I am alright. I have made peace with the events of this past year. My husband kindly reminded me the other day that I am alive. There was a point in May of last year where we were not sure I was going to make it through the night. But in all that pain and sadness, God was good. I am here to watch my amazing boys grow and help them learn. I am here to hug my husband after a rough day at work and laugh at things only him and I are amused by. I am here to show love to my friends as they go through tough times in their lives. I am alive. What a blessing!
So, today I want to focus on what I was given and not what was taken. I was given an understanding of what it is to have that kind of loss- I can now relate better to so many other women. I was shown that my husband could give me such amazing strength and keep me together by being at my side when I am falling apart. I learned that a mother will do anything for her child- even if that child is 30 and it means stalking down a doctor and ignoring all privacy of other patients ( You are the best, Mom!) I have a better understanding of what miracles my children are. I saw such amazing love from the people in my life ( I still can't even express how thankful I am without breaking down in tears). I know, now, that sometimes God speaks the loudest when you are at your most vulnerable point.
So, today is sad.... But there is so much beauty in it all and that is what I am going to choose to see.
Thank you. I have the best family and friends that a girl could ask for.

Clean slate....

Wouldn't it be great if when a new year started, all the pain and drama from the previous year could be erased? My mind is racing with all that I wish could be different. There are some things that I can't really change at this point. But fortunately, there are some things that I do have control over.
This weekend, I am remembering that this would be the week my little angel baby would have been born. Shane would be becoming a daddy. Aidan would learn what it is like to be a big brother. I would have another little person to love on. I can deal with the fact that it was not the right time. But that doesn't take away that I loved that baby already. It does not change that I have wanted to have a child with my husband. It doesn't take away the "what if's". That knowledge also doesn't fill the empty hole. I don't think there is another baby in my future. I would love one, but I just have this feeling that we will continue to wait for a good time and a good time will never come. Thank God I have my boys because I was made to be a mom. Thank God!
I am seriously wanting to move. I am still looking for a place where I belong and this is not it. There have been some recent circumstances that have made it clear to me that I am not as needed or wanted as I had hoped. Instead of making the effort to be what I wish I was, I am going to pull back and avoid the rejection. Shane will be graduating soon and we are thinking/hoping that the north Dallas area holds something good for us. We can start new... Just our little family. Maybe I can find some kind of fulfillment there.
I need to remain hopeful. I know that a positive attitude and acceptance of change are the best ways to move forward. But.... If all the crap could just be gone with the old year....I'd be so much more content.

If Only My Morals Were Where They Should Be

To the American people-

 I am so, so sorry that I am one of those deadweight, lazy Democratic leeches that has used your hard-earned tax dollars. I know that money could have been better spent on perhaps another TV for your home, the newest iPod for little Johnny, or to go towards your monthly payment on your Lexus. But no. Instead it went to me- a young, divorced mother who used the Medicaid program so that my kids could go for their check-ups and so that my youngest son, who had syncope/seizure spells could get an EEG to make sure he didn't have any serious neurological disorders. It also went towards college grants that helped pay my tuition while I was going to school to become.... another worthless nurse. 

I know! I know. It was a complete waste, right? It was a waste, seeing as how I am now a hard-working educated person paying for my own insurance, enjoying two healthy children, and paying my own taxes.

Oh....wait! 

 I am a hard-working educated person who pays taxes.  I pay for my own insurance and believe that everyone deserves the right to receive medical care if they need it. I enjoy two healthy children with whom I spend time teaching how to do for others, to think for themselves, and to work for what they want.  I am more than willing to pay a little extra if it means that I can give others the opportunities I had when I was down on my luck and I got assistance. And you know what? I know that there are people out there who abuse the system. But I also KNOW that there are more people out there who just need help back onto their feet. I know that there are babies out there who can't help that their daddy has left them or their mommy can't hold a job. So, if the system-abusers end up getting assistance in the process of me helping the people who truly need it….so be it.  

I believe this election has brought out the ugly side in a lot of people. I know that neither party is completely innocent. But, I can also tell you that as a person who leans more towards the Liberal side in my views, I have had my integrity and spirituality questioned by the Conservative people who surround me in this great state of Texas. You know what? I think saying that they have been questioned is an understatement. I have been verbally assaulted. I have had people from my church call me a murderer because I vote for Democratic candidates. I have had a coworker come into my office for nothing else but to point her finger in my face and tell me, "If your morals were in the right place, you would have voted differently," followed by her stomping out of my office while stating, "You call yourself a Christian." I have been bombarded with claims that people who vote for Obama are lazy, selfish, and stupid. That is NOT okay.  

People lumping Democrats into that tiny box would be like me saying that those who vote for Romney are greedy warmongers who refuse to form their own opinions about things and instead regurgitate everything Fox News feeds to them. Now, we know that isn’t true. Right? I know I have many, many Conservative friends who don’t fit that mold but instead are very giving, smart, peaceful people.

Moral of the story:

1.     Democrats are not all welfare abusers. Things are not that black and white, so don’t assume anything.

2.     Be a little more tolerant of people who are different than you. Being accepting of other peoples’ opinions doesn’t mean you agree with them. It means you are a strong, secure enough person to love differences instead of being scared of them.

3.     Yes, there are Christians out there who believe that people in this country should have equal opportunities and rights- no matter gender, race, social class, or who they love.

4.     Be nice.

Thanks for your time. If you have something to add and you can do it in a considerate manner, feel free to chat with me. If you feel like being mean- I’ve had enough of that and I have no time for you.

Sincerely,

         Christina

I'm Falling in Love

I'm falling in love with a girl. I have known this girl for years. I am not quite sure why it has taken me so long to start having these feelings. This chic is cute with her blue/green eyes and her little nose. She is amazingly sweet and loyal. I love that this girl that can appreciate the arts. She has a pretty good sense of humor too. Overall, this girl is fantastic.

Now that I see this girl for what she is, I feel horrible for how I have treated her in the past. I have embarrassed her. I have told her horrible things (i.e. you are fat, ugly, and stupid). I have made her cry again and again. I have stifled her. I have made her doubt herself. Honestly, I have been horribly abusive to her. She is forgiving, and for that I am lucky. I don't ever want to hurt her again.

I have decided to treat her to a date day this coming Friday. I want to know her better. I want to see her smile. I want her to feel appreciated. Whatever she feels like doing, we will do. If she feels like watching a movie- she's got it. If she wants to go shopping- I'm buying. If she wants to go out for lunch-I'm game. I am going to allow her to do whatever makes her feel special- because she is.

Christina- this Friday is your special day. Make it count!