I didn't want today to go by without me saying something. So, here it is....
I'm okay. Despite the fact that I am a little bit sad that today was suppose to be meaningful and happy but is instead empty and just like any other day.... I am alright. I have made peace with the events of this past year. My husband kindly reminded me the other day that I am alive. There was a point in May of last year where we were not sure I was going to make it through the night. But in all that pain and sadness, God was good. I am here to watch my amazing boys grow and help them learn. I am here to hug my husband after a rough day at work and laugh at things only him and I are amused by. I am here to show love to my friends as they go through tough times in their lives. I am alive. What a blessing!
So, today I want to focus on what I was given and not what was taken. I was given an understanding of what it is to have that kind of loss- I can now relate better to so many other women. I was shown that my husband could give me such amazing strength and keep me together by being at my side when I am falling apart. I learned that a mother will do anything for her child- even if that child is 30 and it means stalking down a doctor and ignoring all privacy of other patients ( You are the best, Mom!) I have a better understanding of what miracles my children are. I saw such amazing love from the people in my life ( I still can't even express how thankful I am without breaking down in tears). I know, now, that sometimes God speaks the loudest when you are at your most vulnerable point.
So, today is sad.... But there is so much beauty in it all and that is what I am going to choose to see.
Thank you. I have the best family and friends that a girl could ask for.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Clean slate....
Wouldn't it be great if when a new year started, all the pain and drama from the previous year could be erased? My mind is racing with all that I wish could be different. There are some things that I can't really change at this point. But fortunately, there are some things that I do have control over.
This weekend, I am remembering that this would be the week my little angel baby would have been born. Shane would be becoming a daddy. Aidan would learn what it is like to be a big brother. I would have another little person to love on. I can deal with the fact that it was not the right time. But that doesn't take away that I loved that baby already. It does not change that I have wanted to have a child with my husband. It doesn't take away the "what if's". That knowledge also doesn't fill the empty hole. I don't think there is another baby in my future. I would love one, but I just have this feeling that we will continue to wait for a good time and a good time will never come. Thank God I have my boys because I was made to be a mom. Thank God!
I am seriously wanting to move. I am still looking for a place where I belong and this is not it. There have been some recent circumstances that have made it clear to me that I am not as needed or wanted as I had hoped. Instead of making the effort to be what I wish I was, I am going to pull back and avoid the rejection. Shane will be graduating soon and we are thinking/hoping that the north Dallas area holds something good for us. We can start new... Just our little family. Maybe I can find some kind of fulfillment there.
I need to remain hopeful. I know that a positive attitude and acceptance of change are the best ways to move forward. But.... If all the crap could just be gone with the old year....I'd be so much more content.
This weekend, I am remembering that this would be the week my little angel baby would have been born. Shane would be becoming a daddy. Aidan would learn what it is like to be a big brother. I would have another little person to love on. I can deal with the fact that it was not the right time. But that doesn't take away that I loved that baby already. It does not change that I have wanted to have a child with my husband. It doesn't take away the "what if's". That knowledge also doesn't fill the empty hole. I don't think there is another baby in my future. I would love one, but I just have this feeling that we will continue to wait for a good time and a good time will never come. Thank God I have my boys because I was made to be a mom. Thank God!
I am seriously wanting to move. I am still looking for a place where I belong and this is not it. There have been some recent circumstances that have made it clear to me that I am not as needed or wanted as I had hoped. Instead of making the effort to be what I wish I was, I am going to pull back and avoid the rejection. Shane will be graduating soon and we are thinking/hoping that the north Dallas area holds something good for us. We can start new... Just our little family. Maybe I can find some kind of fulfillment there.
I need to remain hopeful. I know that a positive attitude and acceptance of change are the best ways to move forward. But.... If all the crap could just be gone with the old year....I'd be so much more content.
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