Wouldn't it be great if when a new year started, all the pain and drama from the previous year could be erased? My mind is racing with all that I wish could be different. There are some things that I can't really change at this point. But fortunately, there are some things that I do have control over.
This weekend, I am remembering that this would be the week my little angel baby would have been born. Shane would be becoming a daddy. Aidan would learn what it is like to be a big brother. I would have another little person to love on. I can deal with the fact that it was not the right time. But that doesn't take away that I loved that baby already. It does not change that I have wanted to have a child with my husband. It doesn't take away the "what if's". That knowledge also doesn't fill the empty hole. I don't think there is another baby in my future. I would love one, but I just have this feeling that we will continue to wait for a good time and a good time will never come. Thank God I have my boys because I was made to be a mom. Thank God!
I am seriously wanting to move. I am still looking for a place where I belong and this is not it. There have been some recent circumstances that have made it clear to me that I am not as needed or wanted as I had hoped. Instead of making the effort to be what I wish I was, I am going to pull back and avoid the rejection. Shane will be graduating soon and we are thinking/hoping that the north Dallas area holds something good for us. We can start new... Just our little family. Maybe I can find some kind of fulfillment there.
I need to remain hopeful. I know that a positive attitude and acceptance of change are the best ways to move forward. But.... If all the crap could just be gone with the old year....I'd be so much more content.
No comments:
Post a Comment